Ladylike

I went on a date last night. And I'm not going to tell you about it. But I AM going to tell you a story about what happened on it.

*We are seated at a fancy Italian restaurant I've always wanted to dine at.* I’m chewing my gum pretty vigorously, as I always do when I chew gum, when the bread and olive oil come. Yum! I am ready to eat! But there is nowhere to dispose of my gum. (This is the one negative about nice cloth napkin restaurants.) So we’re looking around. Where can I put it? I could ask our can’t-speak-English server, but I don’t have the patience for that. Must.eat.bread.now. The only thing in my purse that could possibly work is a silica gel pack – the things that keep your stuff fresh. Nevermind why it is still in there, but it is. So I stick my gum in it and attempt to fold the very small package around the gum. It suddenly busts open and spills beads all over my plate and the table. As I watch the beads quickly disintegrate in the olive oil, I decide I won’t be dipping my bread anymore. (He does offer to let me use his plate, but I’m all “No I’ll just eat the bread by itself”.) Gum set aside, I break off a piece of the bread and am in the process of enjoying it when I taste something very strange . . and very strong. I’m eating a silica bead! - you know, the “Do not ingest” silica beads. And I don’t know what to do. I mean I can’t swallow it, because I’ll probably be sent to the hospital. So I’ve nothing left to do but spit this huge mouthful of bread and silica into my cloth napkin right in front of him.

If the ice had still needed to be broken, I would've shattered it.

I am SO classy.