Thursday, November 17, 2005

Settling vs. Waiting

Why, as women, do we settle? I've done it, and I see other girls doing it all the time. And now that I've been there and know better, it drives me nuts when I see other girls making the same mistake. Of course, I couldn't tell when I was in it, but now it seems pretty clear.

I'm talking about dating someone who isn't crazy about you!! I know there are quite a few reading my blog that are married, but I'm sure you at least have a friend who has done this, or perhaps you have in the past.

Why do we stay in relationships that we don't feel completely secure in? Relationships where we can't be ourselves 100% or we're afraid that if we do something "wrong" the other person will want to leave. We only feel as though he's crazy about us some of the time and keep hoping for the day when we won't have to guess what he's thinking or how he's feeling. Is he in this as much as I am? Does he care as much as I do? We mistake physical affection for love. We believe what he says over what he does and how he acts. We lie to ourselves basically.

Why did I stay, I used to ask myself? Perhaps I didn't believe I deserved better. Maybe I thought my expectations were too high. It's not realistic to think someone will make you feel loved all the time. There were so many reasons it made sense for it to work that I couldn't understand how it wouldn't. I believed excuses . . lots of excuses. I focused on the good and not the negative . . I'm always the optimist. I thought, 'If I care, I'll stick it out'. I invested so much and cared so much, I didn't want to let go and give up. I wanted to be loved so much.

Mom would say, "It shouldn't be this much work." I spent too much time feeling unsure about things, about how he felt and what he thought.

I couldn't imagine a better fit. It had to be him, didn't it?

In a healthy relationship, he'll want to be with you all the time, even though you both have your own lives. You won't have to decide which to believe - words or actions - because they'll match! You won't wonder how he feels. He will do sweet things for you not for his own gain, but just because he's crazy about you. He'll care about everything that's going on in your life. He'll listen. You'll know you're #1.

It seems like common sense, but apparently it's not. I settled and now I see so many other girls doing the same! I'm glad to have gone through it, I suppose, because now I can see so much clearly. I now know what I want, what I'm waiting for, no matter how long I have to wait.


girl from florida said...

Great post! I almost, almost, almost settled before I met my husband. Thank GOD I didn't!!!

anne said...

I love this post! it seems "love is in the air" or at least the dating bug, and it is hard seeing girls go for the wrong guys. But just like God showed you, they will find their mr. right too. He's coming, you just have to be willing to wait and not settle.

Stephanie said...

this is crazy. i saw your post right after i finished my recent one. very interesting. i think God is teaching his daughters how much he has for them!

Genius said...

I liked this post. It is sooo true. My great friend in college, beautiful, funny, intelligent, the works, had this LOSER of a boyfriend who treated her like POO. It made me sooo mad that she just didn't drop him, but they had been together for 4 years! WHAT! I think it made me so mad because I had just broken up with the looser of a boyfriend I was dating and I could see there relationship for what it was. I think you have to experience almost settling to truly refine what exactly it is you want.

Genius said...

yeah, that there should be their.

k said...

My best friend was just commenting on something similar saying that so many of her friends, incredible women, are hanging on for dear life to these losers because they are afraid of not having anything. I feel like, after having settled in the past, I am now aware of it and confident enough not to do so again. And just in case, the BFF promised to give me a smack upside the head if I head down that road again!

I'm glad you have come to the realization yourself too. I'll be willing to give you a good (cyber) smack if you start to slip up :)

Mark R. said...

I'm a Christian guy and I must comment on something you wrote. Good post, but I'm not sure I agree with one of your comments. Regardless of who you marry, you're not going to feel loved by your husband all the time. Why? Because there's gonna be conflict in any marriage. There will be disagreements, so at times you and your husband won't feel any love toward each other. He will not feel like loving you all the time, nor will you feel like loving him all the time. Christian marriages can stand that test because true love is a commitment and a decision. We must love when we don't feel like loving. Love is far, far more than a feeling. It's an act of commitment.

L said...

Mark, thanks for the post! I agree with you totally. There could be major problems if we expected to have all our needs met by our spouse and constantly feel loved. I guess my statement was meant to say that you won't have to question someone's love for you. Even if you don't feel loved at the moment or you don't "have feelings", you will still know that the person is committed to loving you.