So Local Boy stopped calling me. I didn’t see it coming. Mind you, I’m very, very good at picking up on things like this. Except, come to think of it, I think there has only been one other time I’ve had someone stop calling me. And I was only sort of surprised that time. So I guess I really don’t have much experience in this department. But whatever.
The last time we hung out, I was about 100% positive he would call again. That is pretty positive. What I wasn’t positive about was whether or not I wanted him to call again. At what point do you make that decision? After how many dates are you no longer allowed to be unsure and yet still keep seeing someone? Usually I feel pretty strongly one way or the other, so I’m not often faced with this question. But I had decided that I enjoyed him enough to go out with him again. And he did call again, after he was live (on TV, his job) to ask what I thought of the story, since he knew I was watching that particular day. And after that call, I was about 110% sure he would call again . . until he didn’t.
And since that Day of Realization, I have gone through quite the series of emotions and thoughts. And to be honest, I’ve gotten pretty tired of myself.
How many times can you bounce back and forth between caring and not caring? I may have set a new record.
After it dawned on me that we probably weren’t going out ever again, my thoughts were primarily . .
And after some time, I figured that I needed to end my thoughts with a period by deciding whether or not I cared. I was quick to remind myself that there were about five things I didn’t like about him. Three of which were legitimate and two of which were bright yellow – ok fine, red – flags. Things that could’ve potentially caused me much more emotional grief than someone choosing (ouch ouch ouch) not to call me. And thinking about those things has helped to quell the feelings of rejection that seem to rear their ugly head every other day. But my question is how? how do you feel rejected by someone you’re not sure that you like? Odd I think.
And following those feelings of rejection, my pride seems to frequently appear and say “’Scuse me! You did not just make the decision that we weren’t going to date anymore! That is my job! Your job, keep asking me out. My job, decide if I like you.”
I’ve told myself I should be relieved. I should be glad he spared me awkwardness of “ending things” myself. But I’m not exactly doing cartwheels down the street.
I’ve often thought “his loss” as I tell myself how much cooler I am than he is. Did I not have to give the courtesy laugh a few too many times? Did I not think “you did not just say that” on more than one occasion? So it is totally his loss. He'll never get to hang out with me again . . and worse yet, his chances of ever making out with me have gone right down the tube. Only that’s actually not entirely true, because I’m pretty sure that if he called me up and asked me to make out right now, I would do it, because ever since he stopped calling I suddenly find him ten times more attractive than I previously did. And I suddenly remember twenty more things I like about him that could rip those flags to shreds – er, probably not, but you know what I’m saying.
And this is what I’ve been dealing with lately, people. You’ve just seen a glimpse of what goes on inside this mind.
I can’t be normal.
*p.s. I totally know what I'm waiting for, and I know it will come, and I'm in no hurry . . though I'm always in a bit more of a hurry immediately following teasers like that.