Monday, September 24, 2007

inside my [crazy] mind

So Local Boy stopped calling me. I didn’t see it coming. Mind you, I’m very, very good at picking up on things like this. Except, come to think of it, I think there has only been one other time I’ve had someone stop calling me. And I was only sort of surprised that time. So I guess I really don’t have much experience in this department. But whatever.

The last time we hung out, I was about 100% positive he would call again. That is pretty positive. What I wasn’t positive about was whether or not I wanted him to call again. At what point do you make that decision? After how many dates are you no longer allowed to be unsure and yet still keep seeing someone? Usually I feel pretty strongly one way or the other, so I’m not often faced with this question. But I had decided that I enjoyed him enough to go out with him again. And he did call again, after he was live (on TV, his job) to ask what I thought of the story, since he knew I was watching that particular day. And after that call, I was about 110% sure he would call again . . until he didn’t.

And since that Day of Realization, I have gone through quite the series of emotions and thoughts. And to be honest, I’ve gotten pretty tired of myself.

How many times can you bounce back and forth between caring and not caring? I may have set a new record.

After it dawned on me that we probably weren’t going out ever again, my thoughts were primarily . .

“What????”

and

“Seriously???”

And after some time, I figured that I needed to end my thoughts with a period by deciding whether or not I cared. I was quick to remind myself that there were about five things I didn’t like about him. Three of which were legitimate and two of which were bright yellow – ok fine, red – flags. Things that could’ve potentially caused me much more emotional grief than someone choosing (ouch ouch ouch) not to call me. And thinking about those things has helped to quell the feelings of rejection that seem to rear their ugly head every other day. But my question is how? how do you feel rejected by someone you’re not sure that you like? Odd I think.

And following those feelings of rejection, my pride seems to frequently appear and say “’Scuse me! You did not just make the decision that we weren’t going to date anymore! That is my job! Your job, keep asking me out. My job, decide if I like you.”

I’ve told myself I should be relieved. I should be glad he spared me awkwardness of “ending things” myself. But I’m not exactly doing cartwheels down the street.

I’ve often thought “his loss” as I tell myself how much cooler I am than he is. Did I not have to give the courtesy laugh a few too many times? Did I not think “you did not just say that” on more than one occasion? So it is totally his loss. He'll never get to hang out with me again . . and worse yet, his chances of ever making out with me have gone right down the tube. Only that’s actually not entirely true, because I’m pretty sure that if he called me up and asked me to make out right now, I would do it, because ever since he stopped calling I suddenly find him ten times more attractive than I previously did. And I suddenly remember twenty more things I like about him that could rip those flags to shreds – er, probably not, but you know what I’m saying.

And this is what I’ve been dealing with lately, people. You’ve just seen a glimpse of what goes on inside this mind.

I can’t be normal.

*p.s. I totally know what I'm waiting for, and I know it will come, and I'm in no hurry . . though I'm always in a bit more of a hurry immediately following teasers like that.

9 comments:

s said...

you are totally normal, totally non-crazy. at least i like to tell myself this since i pretty much feel as you just so elogquently(sp) put at least 90 percent of the time. the other 10 percent i'm sleeping or thinking about other things.

LindsayBlake said...

...you are totally normal and i am going through the same, "excuse me, you call and i will tell you i don't want to talk anymore." it's annoying, and i almost want to call him and say it to him, just so he knows he is not the only one that isn't interested. you know, to prove my point.

Morgan said...

haha, His loss is right! But, don't lower your standards just for the chase! :) (I've made that mistake one too many times...)

Michigan Mom said...

Maybe you should call him?? Some guys hate having to always be the one that does the calling and asking out. Although, I've found that gut feelings are mostly always true. I tried dating this guy once, mainly because I was at the desperation point, and tried to make myself have feelings for him, and I just got a uneasy gut reaction after we would hang out. I've taken the stand in my mid twenties, if I can't 100% see myself being with the guy long term then it isn't worth my time. I would rather spend my time doing what I enjoyed and not worrying about if I liked the guy or when he was going to call. I totally know your situation though, been there a TON! So apparently my mind is crazy too :o)

cady said...

you're right, it is his loss! i know how you feel though...when i dated guys i knew it just wasn't happening with, if they broke it off first i suddenly thought of things that were attractive about them. hah. i agree with morgan...don't lower your standards. i too have done that, which was a mistake.

Stacey said...

I'm right smack in the middle of that right now, too. It's absolutely no fun! I'm at the point in the whole rejection process that I'm all high-and-mighty ... how could he NOT call ... I'm a catch! But whatever - I didn't like him that much anyway - it's just a bit of a blow. We'll make it through, but dang it!

Liz said...

Everyone always wants something more once they can't have it. That's all your feeling. And even though I don't know much about him, sounds to me like you're too good for him!

my life is brilliant said...

Isn't it fun to be a girl? I wonder if guys go through this crap as much as we do.

Maybe he's playing it cool and making you squirm on purpose.

my life is brilliant said...

Isn't it fun to be a girl? I wonder if guys go through this crap as much as we do.

Maybe he's playing it cool and making you squirm on purpose.